Hello everyone,

This week I was reminded of this quote, which I love.

 “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

Frankl is speaking about self-regulation, but he is also speaking about developing a positive personal identity as well as our personal growth and learning. We often talk about self-regulation, the ability to manage one’s behaviours, emotions and thoughts, as skills our children are developing. However, how often, as parents, are we finding ourselves dysregulated? Self-regulation is a developing skill for all ages and can be understood as four distinct steps.

Step 1 – Sensing How we Feel. How do we know how we feel in a given situation? How does, for example, nervous feel in our body? Angry? Happy? Can we recognize this sensation in our bodies in differing situations?

Step 2 – Pausing – Here is that space/time before we choose our next actions that Frankl is speaking about. It requires reflection and mindfulness strategies. It is also very hard. We may recognize times when we, or others, didn’t allow for a pause but reacted quickly and instinctually. Were our actions bringing us closer to being our best selves? Often not. Was acting quickly helpful in solving the problem? Again, often not. Taking a break before problem solving, a couple deep breathes, or even counting often buys us the time and space  that we require to reflect and be our best selves in any emotionally charged situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Step 3 – See your Best Self. How would my best self act in this situation? Establishing who our best self is, and having this as a goal is critical. It gives us an anchor point, a framework, for our decision making. Who do you want to be? We can’t always be perfect or our best self and that is okay. But being mindful of our goal can bring us closer to achieving this goal in many situations. As we practice, we may make mistakes and that’s okay, but we will also get better at being our best in most situations.

Step 4 – Develop a Plan and Act. With our goals in mind, and some mindful time and space we can now act on our plan……………and then reflect. Did it work? What went well? What didn’t go as well as I would have hoped? What would I do different next time? In this reflection is where we learn and grow.

Self-regulation as a parent and as a child is hard.  However, working together with our children models best practices for them and allows for safety in this learning. Practicing these four steps and making this practice visible to our kids is a powerful teaching strategy, and it also brings us closer to being our best self while parenting.