Hello Everyone,

School avoidance/refusal is difficult to support as a parent. It frequently leads to big emotions on both sides, parent and child. It is also often misunderstood. Some see it as a motivation issue, a choice in some way, or being defiant….They would just rather stay home. While that very well may be true, school avoidance is often a symptom of a deeper issue, a challenge that the child feels like they just can’t overcome. This could be social, academic, or a sign of a mental health challenge the child is struggling with such as anxiety or depression.

Students want to do well, but at times things get in the way. It can often build to the point of school avoidance. Teachers or peers may not see it as kids often behave differently at school then they do at home. They will work extremely hard to conceal their inner pain and anxieties in front of their peers and teachers. When they get home, that is where they feel safe to unload and reveal their true feelings. I came across a video this week that I wanted to share. It does a really nice job trying to look at school avoidance/refusal from the perspective of the student and their feelings.

So, what can parents do to help stop the cycle of school refusal?

  • Step in quickly  – Missed schoolwork and social experiences accumulate.  Thus, school avoidance is a problem that grows larger and more difficult to control. Be on the lookout for any difficulties your child might have around attending school on time and staying for the full day. If the problem lasts more than a day or two, step in. Common signs are complaints of illness, frequent requests to call home, difficulty getting out of bed, refusal to engage with peers, and/or willingness to complete work at home.
  • What are the underlying causes? Try to find out why your child is avoiding school. Gently ask, “What is making school feel hard?” Is your child struggling socially or being bullied? Afraid of having a panic attack in the classroom? Worried about his academic performance or public speaking? Fearful of being separated from her parents for a full day?
  • Communicate and collaborate. Your child’s school is a key partner in helping your child overcome school avoidance. Contact the school counsellor or classroom teacher to share what you know about why your child is struggling to attend school. The more information the school has about why school avoidance is occurring, the better they will be able to help you. Problem-solving with your child and the school by identifying small steps that can help your child gradually face what he is avoiding at school. For example, let’s say fear about speaking in front of the class is a problem. A child might be permitted to give speeches one-on-one to a teacher, then to his teacher and a few peers, and gradually work up to speaking in front of the class.
  • Be firm about school. Be empathetic and normalize their emotions but don’t save them from these emotions. Escape  from a perceived fear only reinforces that it is a danger and their anxiety may increase next time they are asked to face this fear.  Tell them you are confident they can face their fears, and you are there to help them along with school staff. When they face this fear in a supported way, they will often find a reduction in anxiety the next time they face that fear.  Let your child know that while physical symptoms of anxiety, such as stomachaches, headaches, and fatigue are certainly unpleasant, they are not dangerous.  It’s important for anxious children to learn that they can persevere and do what they need to do even when experiencing physical anxiety, just as adults must in their own jobs.  Learning this firsthand can empower a child.
  • Make staying home boring. Is there anything about the out-of-school environment that makes it extra tempting to stay home? Do they get lots of fun adult attention? Make home as school-like as possible. No unfettered access to screens of any kind and no sleeping or lounging in bed unless genuinely sick. Be clear that if your child does not attend school, you will be collecting all screens and/or turning off data and home WIFI. Then follow through! Ask the school to send work for your child to complete during the day at home.

Other strategies for supporting anxious children are: Coping Strategies – Anxiety

School avoidance can be a serious problem that can worsen rapidly. However, when addressed collaboratively, children can learn to overcome these uncomfortable feelings. Work closely with the school and your child. In some cases, it is also a good idea to consult with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in child anxiety and can support you in helping your child re-engage in school.