Hello Everyone,

This week I wanted to highlight a few free resources in our community that you may find useful.

Family Smart 

Family Smart is a local organization that has many useful resources for parents and their children. You may be familiar with their In the Know series of workshops, one of which I posted in last weeks blog. All of their workshops are offered free of charge to our community and are currently available as online discussion groups guided by trained facilitators.

Video Series – What you may not know is that Family Smart offers a library of videos with expert speakers on topics important to families who are parenting a child or youth with a mental health and/or substance use challenge or those working to support the mental health of children and youth.Topics include:

• Building Relationships between home and school
• Parenting when our children can’t go to school
• Parenting when anxiety shows up as anger
• Collaborative Problem Solving
• Parenting and ADHD
• Self Harm
• Video Gaming, Social Media Misuse, and other related digital addictions
• Plus many, many more.

The videos can be found here:

Kelty Mental Health Pocast

Kelty Mental Health and BC Children’s Hospital offers an exceptional podcast on a wide variety of topics. New topics are released regularly and there is a large catalogue of past episodes. The Where you Are podcast can be found at the link below or by downloading the podcast through Apple or Google Play.

Have a great week and happy listening!

Welcome back to school!

This winter break my family and I took advantage of the very few sunny days to hike the amazing trails of the north shore when we could. On one walk my son asked me about getting lost and how to find your way in the woods. I showed him our compass and how it worked. While we were talking, I was reminded of a lesson I was taught about orienteering, navigating using a compass. That lesson explained that a small change in your direction early in the journey, even by less than one degree, can result in a dramatic change in where you will end up. As we walked, I thought about the fact that the same is true when we want to make a change in our lives or help our children to make changes in their lives.

“Small changes can make huge destination differences.” — Sean Covey

As the New Year is a common time for making New Year’s resolutions, I thought I would write today about change. At New Years we often make goals for the upcoming year. This could look like a goal to eat healthier, read more, or exercise more often etc.. However, equally often we fail to meet these big resolutions and end up in a place where we fall into self-criticism.

So, how do we go about making permanent change in our lives? It is ultimately about establishing new habits.

First, most of the great things in our lives are the result of small changes repeated consistently. It is not about making one large dramatic change but about the purposeful formation and practice of a number of tiny habits. You take any new habit you want to make, and you scale it back so that it’s super-tiny. In the case of wanting to read more, that might mean read one paragraph. In the case of more exercise it might be taking the stairs instead of the escalator at the skytrain.  You make it so simple that it’s almost like you have no excuse not to do it. So even when you’re in a rush, you’re sick, or you’re distracted, it’s so tiny that you can still do it.

Second,  you find where it fits naturally in your existing routine. Ask yourself, what does this habit come after? For example, reading might come after you sit down on the skytrain. That might be the perfect time for you to open a book and read a paragraph. Now, you can read more if you want. That’s fine. But the habit is just tiny — you only do a paragraph if that’s all you want to do.

Third, in addition to making it tiny and then using an existing routine to remind you of it, is to hack your brain by calling up a positive emotion, by celebrating — whether that’s fist pumps, raising your arms, doing a little dance, singing your favorite song in your head. Whatever it is that helps you feel successful, that’s what will help wire in the habit.

The same is true when we are helping our children bring about change in their lives. Make tiny habits, find a time that naturally works for practicing this habit, and celebrate these moments with your child when they practice them.

I am hoping that you and your family have a wonderful 2021 and please find attached some additional resources about ‘tiny habits’.

I am also reposting the Burnaby Family Life workshops that are available this Spring as well as another valuable series from Kids in the Know on Self-harm that is also free of charge.

Hello Everyone,

I hope that you all are able to find some time to relax, have fun, and spend time with family this winter break. It will, of course, most likely look a little different than previous years and for many of us, this could be hard. In my family, we will be trying to get creative with how to connect with some members who we can’t see in person. I will also be spending time with my household and enjoying the amazing outdoors that Vancouver has to offer.  As with all things, I will be reminding myself that though changes such as these can be difficult they can also present opportunities.

In addition, this week I wanted to bring to your attention the Parenting programs at Burnaby Family Life. There are a wonderful assortment of programs (mostly all are FREE) that may benefit you and your family. Usually, these programs fill up quickly, so if you are interested please use the link below to see more information on each of these programs and links to register.

Burnaby Family Life –  Winter Parenting and Family Programs 

Hello Everyone,

When our kids play, a lot more is going on than it initially appears. That is because play is an essential part of a child’s development. Not only does it play a critical role in brain development but it also aids a child’s communication skills and their ability to self-regulate their emotions. Furthermore, play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical strength. It is through play that children engage and interact with the world around them, how they work out complex social challenges, and have fun.

Play also has the power to transform a conflict ridden relationship between parent and child into a collaborative one that facilitates the development of these skills. Moreover, play can place you, the parent, in a positive and fun role.

Today I’m going to focus on using the power of play to connect and bond with your child.

The Power of Play for Bonding, Connecting and Teaching Emotional Intelligence

Play is a child’s language and therefore it is up to us to create opportunities to engage in play with our child every single day.  Now, I don’t mean that you have to play blocks or restaurant for 30 minutes every single day but hopefully we can continue to find opportunities, even on busy days, to play together. Slowing down and focussing on the play (vs what we ‘should ‘ be doing) benefits not only the child but the adult as well.

When Play is Child-Driven

When play is allowed to be child driven, children have opportunities to practice decision-making skills. They are allowed to move at their own pace, discover their own areas of interest, and ultimately to engage with things they find fun and are passionate about.  Ideally, much of play involves adults, but when play is controlled by adults, children acquiesce to adult rules and concerns and lose some of the benefits play offers them, particularly in developing creativity, leadership, and group skills.

The Benefits of Roughhousing

When we roughhouse with our kids, we model for them how someone bigger and stronger holds back. We teach them self-control, fairness, and empathy. We let them win, which gives them confidence and demonstrates that winning isn’t everything. We show them how much can be accomplished by cooperation and how to constructively channel competitive energy so that it doesn’t take over.

~ Anthony DeBenedet and Lawrence Cohen

There are many benefits to roughhousing. Examples of this might be pillow fights, play wrestling, piggy-back rides, jumping on a trampoline together etc.

• Roughhousing creates laughter which releases tension/anger/anxiety and increases Oxytocin – the natural chemical of bonding and connection

• Roughhousing teaches children to manage their aggression (think of puppies and how they love to play fight and how much this teaches them about handling aggression) as they self-monitor their own power

• Roughhousing increases emotional intelligence as one has to be constantly reading the other person’s expressions to figure out the next best move and if this is still a fun activity for both people

Remember as a parent, we need to hold back on our own strength and empower our children through roughhousing, not make them feel worse by holding them in a headlock.

Activities for Playfully Connecting with your children

Imaginative play – Can take various forms. Get in there and share an imagination.

Creation – Explore your child’s creativity, building and creating. Letting them control the creation provides opportunities to problem solve and explore alternatives.

Outdoor Play – Explore the natural world that Burnaby has to offer…… together.

For Older Children:

Sports activities – throwing a baseball, football  or frisbee back and forth, basketball, soccer, street hockey, skiing, biking etc.

Rec. room games – foosball, ping pong, darts, air hockey etc.

Traditional Card Games – Crib, Uno etc.

Board Games/Card Games/Video Games –We have to be careful here and I am not a proponent of hours and hours of video games but if this is a way that you and your child connect, then it is valuable as long as the time is monitored

Cooking/Baking

Woodworking/Carpentry/Construction

Sewing/Crafts/Knitting/Felting

Anything else that you can think of that brings you both joy!

Some resources to explore:

Hello Everyone,

Change is difficult. It can be difficult because this change, the situation we are about to enter into, might not be going how we expected it to go. We had prepared ourselves for an experience and then that experience changed or didn’t even happen. For example, on the drive to work today I was planning on taking the highway for an early meeting. I thought to myself, that I needed to leave at a particular time to get there on time and I even imagined myself sipping my coffee and having a relaxing drive, arriving to work with lots of time for my meeting. I am sure you can see where this is going. I arrived at the on-ramp and there was a traffic jam. I was immediately flooded with feelings of frustration because how I imagined my morning would go suddenly seemed impossible. 

For children, a change in routine or the expected can be especially difficult. This week I wanted to highlight a skill (Flexible Thinking) to help you and your child when unexpected change comes up.

What is Flexible Thinking?

Flexible thinking is the ability to shift thinking or attention in response to a switch in rules, or to new or unexpected situations.

Why is Flexible Thinking important?

Here is another driving analogy I borrowed from a colleague. Imagine driving without your GPS and you reach a “road closed” sign; you have no idea where you are or where to go next. You might get angry and consider taking the closed road regardless. You might panic about what to do next and call someone for help. Or you might simply sit there flummoxed. These are the feelings a child with a flexible thinking challenge may experience when asked to find another way to solve a problem or move to a new, unfamiliar situation—a combination of confusion, anger at the injustice, and panic. The specific response is very dependent on the child’s personality. It may appear, at first, like a child is being stubborn or difficult when in reality they are desperately struggling to cope with things not going as expected. They are stuck in how things should be or how we expected them to be. This is often called fixed or stuck thinking.

If you’re a flexible thinker, you consider a range of different possible consequences of your actions rather than only considering an optimistic view or only considering a pessimistic view.

Optimism vs. Pessimism

For example, if you’re thinking about switching from one job to another, you wouldn’t only consider the likely upsides or the likely downsides, you’d consider both.

If you know you tend to be too optimistic or too pessimistic, you factor this in when you’re thinking about things, as a reminder to yourself to consider the other side of the coin.

1. Avoid using words that indicate only one good option or outcome. Examples include words such as never, always, won’t, or can’t. There are certainly instances when it makes sense to use these words, but it’s important to recognize that their regular inclusion in our thought processes may decrease the potential for flexible thinking.
2. Be careful about placing high value on particular things, people, and situations while denying the potential value of others. Placing certain items, individuals, or outcomes on a pedestal while dismissing or minimizing the value of alternatives runs the risk of leaving you very few acceptable options. The feeling that we have no other options when something doesn’t work out can lead to hopelessness.
3. Remember that our circumstances are often temporary. Attaching too much significance to specific events and thinking of outcomes as permanent can make us feel trapped. It can decrease our ability to be resilient because we either believe the best of life is behind us or we feel powerless to find ways to improve our situation. Instead, we should acknowledge our feelings while reminding ourselves that situations will change, and we can work to change them

Here Are 5 Ways To Teach, Practice and Grow Flexible Thinking

1. Be A Flexible Role Model: In order to teach flexible thinking, you need to live flexible thinking.  In other words, you need to demonstrate flexible thinking in front of your students.
I’m sure you do a lot of flexible thinking during the day, the key is to not keep it a secret!  Let the kids know and highlight these situations when they come up.

For example, if you are trying to present a lesson on the white board and you want a red marker, but only have black, be flexible and use the black….but TELL the kids what you are doing.  This is very simple but is a great and very easy opportunity to model flexible thinking.

2. Create Opportunities: Provide lots of opportunities to practice being flexible.  If you set your home or classroom up so that there is no room for change, it will be difficult for children to practice flexible thinking.

3. Reward Flexible Thinking: When you see it, reward it! A quick compliment can go a long way.  You can also highlight the situation so that other children can learn from the situation.

4. Offer Alternatives Frequently: Offer alternative to how to do things, say things, or use things as often as possible.  This will help children to see how to be flexible and to see the value in thinking flexibly.

5. Explicit Teaching: Play games and engage in activities that teach flexible thinking. It’s fun!

Here are some flexible thinking resources that I wanted to highlight this week:

Here is one last video of flexible thinking in action. Enjoy and have a great day.

Hello Everyone,

Generally, kids do well when they can. When they fall short of their goals it is often because they lack the skills to do so, not because they don’t want to do well. These two thoughts are the central tenets of the Dr. Ross Greene (Collaborative and Proactive Solutions) approach to responding to challenging behaviours.

Challenging behaviours are ones that emerge when the demands or expectations of the person exceed their skills or abilities.  Children tell us with their behaviours when they’re struggling to meet demands and expectations. Commonly, this may look like, whining, pouting, sulking, withdrawing, crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, spitting, kicking, throwing, lying, stealing etc.. However, what a kid does when they are having trouble meeting demands and expectations isn’t the most important part (though it may feel that way). What is ultimately more important for the child and those supporting them are why and when they are doing these things. Answering these two questions (why and when) is critical to supporting children, particularly when they are involved in challenging behaviours.

This week I wanted to highlight a number of resources that may assist you and your child when challenging behaviours show up. Dr Ross Greene has produced an ongoing podcast which has a lot of great information and tips for supporting and working through challenging behaviours with your child. Moreover, it examines the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions Model as well as tips for assessing the why’s and when’s associated with your child’s challenging behaviours.  The podcast is developed in association with Lives in the Balance and can be found on ITunes or by clicking on the image below:

Dr.Greene has also written a number of great books on the subject that are well worth exploring. These books are available from your local library and most book sellers.

Dr Greene also has a Youtube channel that can be located at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/DrRossGreene/videos

You are not alone. Besides actively collaborating with school staff, parenting groups are a great way to maintain your own mental health while collaborating with other parents and expert group facilitators. In these groups you can expect to share best practices, tips, and explore ways to help your child develop their skills. One FREE local parenting group is the CONNECT parenting group (currently operating online). Information on future meeting times and contacts in Burnaby and the Lower Mainland can be found here:

Connect Parenting Group 

Have a great week!

Hello Everyone,

My four year old daughter is learning to tie her shoes. This weekend, as we were leaving the house, she  said to me that she will never be able to get it. How often do we hear this sort of thing from our kids (I am not good at _______, I will never be able to _________, I am not a math ‘person’ etc). What we are hearing is an example of a fixed mindset, the belief that our abilities cannot change. The development of a growth mindset, the belief that our abilities can change is an essential skill for children and adults alike and one that teachers in school spend a great deal of time nurturing. Furthermore,the effects of holding these two differing mindsets are dramatic.

If we believe we can not change our innate abilities, these beliefs lead to a loss of confidence, depressive feelings, and a desire to not try in the future. Of course, with a growth mindset the opposite is also true.

We don’t, however, have either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. It’s not an either/or thing. Sometimes we have more of a fixed mindset and sometimes we have more of a growth mindset and a lot of things can affect this. So, the question becomes, how can we promote a growth mindset more often?

Language – Language is so important. Imagine how these statements feel different –

“I can’t do this” vs “I can’t do this…..yet“.

or in my case

“I am bad at tying my shoes!” with the response “We can learn to tie our shoes together, _______ showed me when I was your age”

There are some subtle uses of language here that have a profound impact on how we feel. The use of ‘yet’ is powerful in that it implies change is possible. Moreover, in the second example the use of ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ implies that change is collaborative and supportive. In other words, we can help support their learning and that growth is possible.

Celebrate Mistakes

Often in schools we celebrate mistakes and here language is important too. If mistakes are to be feared and avoided it leads to a reluctance to try new things, insecurity, and low self-esteem. However, if we highlight that mistakes are how we learn and grow  our kids will be more willing to try new things even if they are hard.

Adult Modelling 

Our children are watching us. They notice our feelings, as well as what we say and do. If they see us modelling a growth mindset they are more apt to embrace this mentality as we are showing them how. Most importantly, though, we are also showing them it is possible.

Some resources to support Growth Mindset are:

Hello Everyone,

Given the circumstances we are finding ourselves in it is easy to focus on what we have lost or is challenging right now. Therefore, it is increasingly important for our overall mental health that we bring attention to Gratitude, our ability to recognize what is good in our lives and being thankful for these things.

There has been a lot of research done on the strong connection between regular practices of gratitude and overall mental health.  In fact, recent scientific studies showed regular practices of gratitude were found to benefit multiple areas of one’s health, including one’s mental health, physical health and our ability to interact socially in a positive way.  Moreover, when explorations of gratitude are done in a group setting they can promote connection between individuals, as well as feelings of empathy.

Gratitude journals are an excellent way of engaging with this practice. As well, regular expressions of gratitude done as a family at meal time or before bed are a great way to connect to family members and check in with each other.

30 day gratitude challenge

Gratitude Prompt Cards

WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITY – This month Family Smart is again providing a FREE online workshop for parents in Burnaby on Tuesday, November 17th @ 6:30pm. This months subject is:

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For registration please register here

Thank you and I hope you all have a great week.

Hello everyone,

This week I was reminded of this quote, which I love.

 “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

Frankl is speaking about self-regulation, but he is also speaking about developing a positive personal identity as well as our personal growth and learning. We often talk about self-regulation, the ability to manage one’s behaviours, emotions and thoughts, as skills our children are developing. However, how often, as parents, are we finding ourselves dysregulated? Self-regulation is a developing skill for all ages and can be understood as four distinct steps.

Step 1 – Sensing How we Feel. How do we know how we feel in a given situation? How does, for example, nervous feel in our body? Angry? Happy? Can we recognize this sensation in our bodies in differing situations?

Step 2 – Pausing – Here is that space/time before we choose our next actions that Frankl is speaking about. It requires reflection and mindfulness strategies. It is also very hard. We may recognize times when we, or others, didn’t allow for a pause but reacted quickly and instinctually. Were our actions bringing us closer to being our best selves? Often not. Was acting quickly helpful in solving the problem? Again, often not. Taking a break before problem solving, a couple deep breathes, or even counting often buys us the time and space  that we require to reflect and be our best selves in any emotionally charged situation.

Step 3 – See your Best Self. How would my best self act in this situation? Establishing who our best self is, and having this as a goal is critical. It gives us an anchor point, a framework, for our decision making. Who do you want to be? We can’t always be perfect or our best self and that is okay. But being mindful of our goal can bring us closer to achieving this goal in many situations. As we practice, we may make mistakes and that’s okay, but we will also get better at being our best in most situations.

Step 4 – Develop a Plan and Act. With our goals in mind, and some mindful time and space we can now act on our plan……………and then reflect. Did it work? What went well? What didn’t go as well as I would have hoped? What would I do different next time? In this reflection is where we learn and grow.

Self-regulation as a parent and as a child is hard.  However, working together with our children models best practices for them and allows for safety in this learning. Practicing these four steps and making this practice visible to our kids is a powerful teaching strategy, and it also brings us closer to being our best self while parenting.

Hello Everyone,

One question I am frequently asked is about the idea of ‘self-care’. What do we do when we notice we are not at our best (eg. feeling unmotivated/sad or overly stressed). There is often a desire to get proactive, in order for these feelings not to deepen or get ‘stuck’. Self-care is the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. These actions, our individual self-care routines, may look a little different as we all have different preferences and sensibilities. However, the critical point is taking action in positive and healthy ways, as opposed to using unhealthy strategies.

Unhealthy and maladaptive strategies might look like, for example, increased use of alcohol or an increase in ‘comfort foods’. However, the use of these ‘strategies’ inhibits our connections to our internal emotional states and leaves us disconnected from external challenges. In other words, the use of alcohol or other substances masks our internal feelings, as opposed to bringing us more connected to these feelings and thus better equipped to meet these challenges.

Self-care tips and ideas are easily found online and can be adapted to your own personal preferences and sensibilities. Some are located here.

Today, I wanted to connect you with a resource that highlights the importance of one common self-care strategy – Exercise.

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain

A groundbreaking and fascinating investigation into the transformative effects of exercise on the brain, from the bestselling author and renowned psychiatrist John J. Ratey, MD.

Did you know you can beat stress, lift your mood, fight memory loss, sharpen your intellect, and function better than ever simply by elevating your heart rate and breaking a sweat? The evidence is incontrovertible: Aerobic exercise physically remodels our brains for peak performance.

In SPARK, John J. Ratey, M.D., embarks upon a fascinating and entertaining journey through the mind-body connection, presenting startling research to prove that exercise is truly our best defense against everything from depression to ADD to addiction to aggression to menopause to Alzheimer’s. Filled with amazing case studies (such as the revolutionary fitness program in Naperville, Illinois, which has put this school district of 19,000 kids first in the world of science test scores), SPARK is the first book to explore comprehensively the connection between exercise and the brain. It will change forever the way you think about your morning run—or, for that matter, simply the way you think.

Spark is available from your local library or most online book retailers. Better yet, it is also available as an audio book so you can listen while going for a walk/hike, run or whatever ‘sparks’ your joy and gets your body moving.