As we begin the second half of the school year, it is great to see how the students have grown in so many ways and are continuing to develop. As I mentioned in the January post “Nurturing the Steps to Success: Encourage a Growth Mindset”, (Ms. S. Sokugawa – Relationships are the key to learning. (sd41blogs.ca) being parents requires us to make decisions that can have positive or negative implications for our children. That is why the decisions that we make as parents need to be made with good intentions, understanding that our decisions have lasting implications even though we may not see them at that moment. Parents are the first teachers children have and parents continue to teach as the children grow. As I mentioned a the Parents as Partners meeting, parents need to role model the behaviour we want to see in our children. Also, fostering (nurturing) and instilling a sense of responsibility is one of those important characteristics that we hope our children will possess one day. After all, our children will continue to be our children no matter how old they grow. However, they will be adults for longer than they were children, so we must remember that the foundations we give our children must last throughout their lives. We must remember that responsibility does not magically occur with a wave of a wand, but is something that must be developed and nurtured over time through practice and experience. We must allow our children to do things even though it may not be the way we expect it to be done.
Encouraging a growth mindset, as mentioned in the January post, (Ms. S. Sokugawa – Relationships are the key to learning. (sd41blogs.ca) helps with fostering their responsibility to learn from each experience. That is why guiding and encouraging our children to do things for themselves rather than doing it for them is an important way children learn and grow. Safety is always paramount, but if your child is not in immediate danger, let them do it. An easy example is letting them carry they own backpacks. They do not have textbooks in their backpacks and need to learn to be responsible for their things. Of course, carrying your child’s backpack is easy for parents to do (parents have been carrying bags for a long time), but what are the children learning from this experience? Ironically, I have heard many parents say to their children when they are about thirteen years old, “Why aren’t you responsible?” How do the children become responsible when they haven’t had the chance to learn? Again, there is no magic wand that miraculously turns the children into responsible individuals.
Further, without making mistakes, improvement and learning cannot follow. The role as the loving adults in the children’s lives is to guide, encourage, teach, and redirect as we see fit. We do not want to make the same mistakes repetitively, because this means we haven’t learned the lesson. If this happens, we need to help them look for what went wrong and figure out how to do it differently. Generally, making mistakes helps to strengthen our problem-solving skills by allowing us to figure out what we did wrong and what needs to be changed for next time. However, sometimes more guidance is needed and that is what we as parents need to be ready for. Standby and watch and only intervene when necessary. If we do things for our child, we have actually taken away, or stolen, an opportunity that our child could have had. Experience is a key to building responsibility. Therefore, giving our children opportunities to build responsibility is important and a necessity for their future and future well-being. If your child has never experienced an obstacle while they are young, what are they going to do when they are older and have more difficult challenges? They will face difficulty in knowing where to begin and what to do as well as navigating their emotional outcome. Information in and regurgitated out does not imply that learning has taken place. Learning means that we apply the knowledge we have encountered and therefore if we do not apply that knowledge, learning has not taken place.
Before change can occur, our perception needs to be examined so we can be informed and change our perception. If you are interested in further reading, I have added two suggestions.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson gives strategies on how to nurture the developing mind of your child. A different perspective to what we may have grown up with.
Punished By Rewards by Alfie Kohn is an older book, but a good read. Kohn looks at rewards as a punishment since ‘change’ only comes about to gain just the reward but does not bring about real change. Change has to be intrinsic and occur because change is the goal, not gaining the reward. According to Kohn, giving rewards becomes the soul goal for the change and when the reward is no longer desirable, then behaviour goes back to what is was. The incentive became the motivator and the reward was the guiding factor. This means that learning did not taken place. Therefore, what was the point in putting that effort in if the behaviour does not change for the better and remain?
I have provided a link to Alfie Kohn’s book.
The saying ‘Life is a journey’ is often used when talking about our experiences and our learning. In order to make some understanding of this statement, we need to figure out what each word means. As parents, we have a difficult but rewarding job of nurturing our children so they will develop into responsible, contributing members of the society they will be a part of. As I mentioned at the Parents as Partners meeting and in the November blog post, what the nurturing parents do for their children up to the age of 18 is very crucial in helping their children navigate their world for the remaining years of their lives. Remembering that our parents provided those nurturing years for us, we now need to do the same for our children. A lack of guidance during those foundational years can lead to challenging times for our children. Not allowing our children to encounter both pleasant and unpleasant experiences is unfair and unwise. If children have not encountered difficult and challenging situations because the challenges were ‘smoothed out’ or ‘eliminated’ by the parents, how will they be able to handle something more difficult when they are adults and expected to overcome them? When children are adults, there are circumstances where there is an expectation for these young adults to handle the situation. However, if these young adults have never had the opportunity to experience the situation prior to the one they are currently in because their parents eliminated the uncomfortable opportunities when children were young, parents have now done a very big disservice to their children. It is important to think about possible future implications when we make decisions for our children. As I mentioned before, if safety is not an issue, allow your child to experience it as it will give them skills to make them stronger.