Confident Parents, Thriving Kids

This is a FREE phone counselling program for parents and caregivers to help parents with children’s anxiety or behavior. https://welcome.cmhacptk.ca/about/

Anxiety Program: Fun Friends

Fun Friends is a program for promoting social and emotional skills, specifically for children 4-7 years of age. Please contact classroom teacher for parent workbook. Parent Info. Session Handout- Fun FRIENDS

Separation Anxiety (An Article Adapted from that of Bev Bos)

Separation anxiety is lifelong. As adults, we get better at handling the tension, but it is still there. When we go to visit our mothers in another province or country, we feel sad when we leave. All adults need to do is just close their eyes for a moment and think back to a time when they had to leave someone dear and think of how that felt. Remember the day you graduated from high school – the joy of celebration, and yet, the sadness because you would no longer see many of these friends on a daily basis. What helped us through that time? Certainly not someone saying, “You’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Just go find a friend and play.”
So many of the times that are difficult for children have to do with separation. Going to bed is separation and is often the number one source of anxiety in children, according to parents. Some young children can be terrified as Mom and Dad walk out of the room. Separation again. What parents need to understand more than anything else is that how children react to separation is as varied as the children themselves. At certain ages, though, certain fears are fairly predictable. For example,

• 2 years old: Auditory fears – big trucks, thunder, flushing the toilet, mother’s departure at bedtime, etc.
• 3 years old: Visual fears predominate – boogeyman, policeman, mom or dad going out at night, etc.
• 4 years old: Auditory fears predominate – fire engines, mother or father going out at night

Notice that mom or dad going out is a fairly consistent fear in early childhood. We must respect the child’s fears above all else and not humiliate or embarrass them. So what can we do when our child must be in daycare, preschool or Kindergarten?

1. Your child’s temperament will play a big part in the ease or difficulty of the separation. For some children each new situation will bring questions and new feelings of anxiety. Other children love the challenge of meeting new friends and seeing new things. Some parents reading this article may say “But my child is going to Kindergarten. Isn’t that too old to be having separation anxiety?” Depending on the child, they could still be anxious when they leave for college. This would not be “abnormal” – just individual. Obviously, as a child grows older s/he should be able to cope better at eighteen than at five, but the feelings can still be there – no matter what the age.
2. Be absolutely comfortable with the preschool, daycare or Kindergarten program your child will be a part of. If you have misgivings, your child is certain to sense your feelings. Ask questions of the instructor or administration, ask to observe for a brief time, ask parents who have already had their children in the program offered for their input, etc. It is well worth the research, even if it will only give you peace of mind.

3. On the first day of Kindergarten, in a situation where your child is very distressed, stay with your child until s/he seems to have settled a little. If you can do this, please do. This DOES NOT MEAN, though, that you should cling to your child or stay every day. If it helps to come into the classroom and help your child hang up his/her coat or look at a book for a few minutes, do that. But keep your time in the classroom as short as you can. Clinging to your child can make him/her feel uncertain, and staying every day prolongs the inevitable day of separation. Support your child and be available, but do not cling. After the first day, it is best to leave your child. In doing so, you will be giving him/her the message that you believe they can do it. It is also true that most children are at least a little nervous about beginning somethingnew, and the first one or two weeks are a time when social relationships are developing. When all children are a little unsure, they look to each other for support and important social connections are made. If mom or dad is in the room, children tend to hang back and don’t seek out the same social interactions as the other children. The danger, then is that your child may miss out on the “bonding” process that takes place and may not feel as much a part of the group as the others.
4. If you are having misgivings about leaving your child, speak to the teacher. Communication is very important and can help the teacher put both you and your child at ease. You should certainly not let anyone make you feel uncomfortable with your feelings about leaving your child. If you have questions or concerns, voice them. If you don’t like the answers you are being given, speak up. Hopefully a talk with the teacher will put you at ease.
5. When it is time to leave, be very CLEAR when talking to your child. For example: “I will be back in one or two hours. I love you very much and I’ll see you when school is over. You can do it.” Young children do not have a very good sense of time, and it may take them a little while to really understand that you indeed will be back soon. Do NOT turn around and come back at the first whimper. This says to your child that you are not sure it is the right thing to do and your uncertainty will make the separation more difficult. The teacher will call if it is really difficult for your child.

6.The more a child can talk about his/her fears, the easier it becomes for him/her to cope with them. When children know ahead of time what’s going to happen and not happen they can think about and get used to their feelings about it. This does not mean that the child will have the right to make the decision about the school or daycare center to be attended. It means, instead that children have a right to their feelings. A quiet conversation, a kind of rehearsal, about the way it’s going to go often allows the child opportunity to express his/her feelings. “When we get up we will have breakfast, get dressed – you can pick what to wear – and we will drive this way and that – and then we will come to the school and teacher ______ will be waiting. You will hear stories; meet some new friends and play.” Do not say this in one breath. Provide quiet moments for your child to respond. And, LISTEN!
7. How parents help children deal with their earliest experiences can affect how they react in situations for the rest of their lives. One of the great opportunities of parenthood is to help your children understand their feelings and to help them grow into healthy children who understand their feelings and fears.